


Heaven and Hell

by Bluethenstaub



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Belly Rubs, Choose Your Own Adventure, Former Cherub demoted to Principality Aziraphale, Heaven and Hell are in the same building, Idiots in Love, M/M, Multiple Endings, Pre-Apocalypse, Pre-Relationship, Side Gabriel / Raphael, Smoking, Stuffing, i think this should get a mention, in this house we love tiny snake crowley, just a littl bit, not related to the english breakfast, sexy description of an english breakfast, this is basically what this is based on, tiny snake crowley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-14 13:53:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 54
Words: 12,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluethenstaub/pseuds/Bluethenstaub
Summary: A new day arrives in London and both Crowley and Aziraphale have to visit their respective workspace today: Heaven or Hell.A Choose-Your-Own-Adventure, Good Omens Style





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Click and choose between the provided hyperlinks. Don't use Chapter Index, please! The story won't make any sense that way.

It's a dark and rainy night in London. That's actually no surprise, many nights in London are rainy and most nights, in general, are dark, at least in London. If this story was set in, say, Finland, it would look quite different.

But this story, like so many stories, is set in the center of London, and it will stay in London, at least in some senses. In other senses, it will leave the physical world and is set in some other realms. But this isn't important now.

Important now are the locations of a certain angel and a certain demon.

Right now, they're both sitting, one on a very old couch, one on a very new couch. Both are minding their own business and aren't even thinking of each other.

Neither of them notices the rain, softly knocking against their windows.

One of them is about to see no sense in staying up longer, and will move into his bedroom soon, while the other one won't move until he realizes that his cup of cocoa is empty.

But a story can't go on like this. An angel makes a decision, while a demon finds himself at the same time in a completely different situation. Yet, when they're in different places, it's hard to follow every action at the same time, especially when more characters get involved. That's why this story will focus on either the angel or the demon, at least as long as their paths don't cross.

 

[ > With new cocoa and after some light stretching, Aziraphale settles back down on his couch, continuing to read. ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42666980)

[ > With freshly brushed teeth and after some light stretching, Crowley settles down in his bed, covering himself in too many blankets and drifting to sleep. ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42762542)


	2. Chapter 2

Anathema Device is a girl of six and three quarters and she's currently in school. She should be participating in her art class and painting a tulip as a Mother's Day picture but her teacher is focused on helping Joey at the moment who is just not able to make his watercolours work. He doesn’t get the part with the water.

So, like the well-read girl she is, Anathema decides to get her favourite book out of her bag. Her mother doesn't know that she has borrowed it to read at school.

She opens it at a random page and reads:

“I tell ye thif, ye shuld nott be heer.”

Anathema somehow knows exactly what these words mean. She's in a story and someone shouldn't be able to read these sentences because they didn't play the game the proper way. Instead, they just went to the next chapter.

She smiles to herself. _Good old Agnes_ , she thinks, and puts the book away. She decides not to cheat anymore and do her task, just as the reader decides to read the story the proper way or to leave a comment instead. Her mother will love the picture and the author will really appreciate the comment.

[> Go back to the beginning.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42666887)


	3. Chapter 3

Aziraphale goes to the doorman. He’s a bored looking man, hiding behind a newspaper. It’s this weirdly disgusting peachy pink of the _Financial Times._ He doesn’t seem to notice Aziraphale.

The angel clears his throat, and the doorman finally looks up.

“Hello, my dear,” Aziraphale says. “How do you do? Nice day today, isn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t know,” the doorman says. “I never leave this place.”

“I’m coming from the London entrance. It’s a nice day over there.”

“Ah, you’re one of the English ones,” he says disdainfully. His eyes wander over to a screen. “It’s not raining, I guess it is a nice day for you.”

“Well, yes.”

“Do you have further questions?”

Aziraphale shifts awkwardly from one leg to another. He doesn’t have any questions. He just wants to make a little bit of small talk to avoid seeing Gabriel. Across from him is sitting an angel. He can’t lie to an angel, can he? He can’t tell an angel that he’s annoyed with Gabriel, can he? That he doesn’t want to see him? That he doesn’t want to go to Heaven, that he’d rather stay in his bookshop than to be here? No, he can’t do this.

“No, I don’t,” he admits.

The doorman hides behind his newspaper again.

[> There is no use, Aziraphale has to go to Heaven now.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42669335)


	4. Chapter 4

Early morning is the best time to get unpleasant things done, at least that's what Aziraphale thinks. He has been up all night, of course, virtue’s always awake, and yet, he stopped having the motivation to do things at night a long time ago. If people stay inside at night and sleep, why should he go out, especially into the cold? Why should he have to suffer? It’s much more convenient to stay inside your bookshop with a nice book and a hot cocoa and to warm your feet under a blanket or at the heater.

No, he always stays at home at night. Not even the presence of a demon can entice him from his warm home. Okay, the presence of his demon can entice him under special circumstances, but not right now. Not on this night.

This night is only good to reread his copy of _The Picture of Dorian Grey_ (signed by the author himself, of course, with the words _“For my beloved friend, forever remembering these days with you, in love, Oscar”_ ), but also to enjoy his beloved tartan blanket. It has gone thin after all these years spent in Aziraphale’s possession, but it still keeps him perfectly warm. Not to speak of the personal value. It had been a present from Crowley. Someone had given it to him, he said when he brought the blanket into the bookshop, and he didn’t particularly like tartan, so, knowing Aziraphale’s preference for it, he’d give it to Aziraphale for temporary safekeeping. It was no present, not at all.

They both know that Crowley had gotten it exclusively for Aziraphale as a present, but neither one of them was ready yet to admit this knowledge to themselves, and, more importantly, to each other.

But as the night is ending, the sun starts to stick her nose over the buildings to win her daily struggle against the dirt on the window of Aziraphale's backroom. It's starting to get warm around the angel. If he opens the window, and concentrates, he can make out the singing of some birds, concealed by the songs of the late night / early morning traffic.

Aziraphale smiles to himself and snuggles into his blanket. It’s almost time to leave the shop to get some breakfast.

He has two options. Either he eats something nice at home, embraced by his books. Or he can go to a little cafe around the corner, eat breakfast over there, and use the fact that he has left his shop to do some business he has to attend to.

[> Eat at home. ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42669269)

[> Eat somewhere else.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42669296)


	5. Chapter 5

“I don’t want to hear it, Crowley,” Dagon waves him off. “We’ve got enough stuff to do today. Shut up and listen.”

 

[> Crowley shuts up and listens.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842141)


	6. Chapter 6

Gabriel starts a lecture about work morality and angels. Good angels are supposed to work all day and all night. Virtue never sleeps. A lazy angel engages in sin. An angel worshipping sloth is as good as fallen. Does Aziraphale want to work in Hell from now on? No, of course not, Aziraphale certainly wants the pleasantries of Heaven. The way Aziraphale is working, certainly isn't enough. All the other angels are working their butts off, while he sits in his bookshop and eats all day, and is dressed like a better demon. He should update his wardrobe.

It’s nothing Aziraphale hasn't heard from Gabriel before. It’s what Gabriel tells him every time.

 

[> Aziraphale could try to just walk away and hope that Gabriel doesn't notice.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670406/)

[> The talk about him eating all day has made him hungry. Didn't Aziraphale pack a muffin? He should eat it!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670397/)

[> Just as Gabriel says something so boring that Aziraphale didn't even listen, they pass the bathroom. Aziraphale could try and hide inside.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670460)


	7. Chapter 7

The person approaches Crowley and lets out an all too familiar noise of surprise.

“Oh. Crowley, my dear. I didn't know you were here today!” Aziraphale says.

“Hm?” Crowley turns towards the angel. “What's are you doing here?”

 

[ > “Not finding a lighter, I suppose.” Aziraphale answers. ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42762515)


	8. Chapter 8

Not much is happening in this hall. There are angels working in their offices, but Aziraphale doesn’t know anyone. He’s quite sure that they’re his fellow Principalities, but Aziraphale doesn’t know them, not personally. He never has. Originally coming from the First Sphere, his relationship with the other Principalities is complicated.

One office is empty, though, filled with broken chairs.

 _That is probably mine,_ Aziraphale thinks. But he couldn't care less what they do to his office. He's never here anyway since he’s a field agent.

At the end of the hall, there’s a big window. He can see the Garden from there. It’s a beautiful sight. Oh, Crowley would love this! So many plants, growing as beautifully as possible.

Is it possible to see the Garden from Hell? Probably not. But that’s what you get for rebelling against Him.

He could try to find out if cameras work in Heaven. Maybe he can take some pictures for Crowley! The next time he has to come here, he’s going to take a camera with him!

 

[> Aziraphale's finally a reasonable angel and goes directly to Gabriel's office.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670355)

[> Aziraphale strolls through the halls some more.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42669509)

[> He follows the smell of coffee.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670337)


	9. Chapter 9

The hall is filled with offices. What did Aziraphale expect? He reads the names on the door closest to him.

 

Haiaiel || Nuriel

 

Principality || Principality

 

Doesn't ring a bell. He continues to stroll through the hall, reading a name here and there. Some names he recognizes, some he doesn't.

“Can I help you?” an angel suddenly asks from behind Aziraphale

He turns around. The angel seems familiar, but Aziraphale can't really make a connection to a name.

“Uh. No. No, thank you,” Aziraphale answers. “I'm on my way to Gabriel.”

“He's in his office,” the angel answers, voice bored.

“He is? Last time I checked, he wasn't. Sandalphon referred me over to Nanael,” Aziraphale lies. He's surprised himself how easily the lie comes to his lips. “But he doesn't seem to be here either.”

The angel beams. “Search no more. He's back in his office, I've just been there!”

“Oh. Thank you, dear. That's very nice of you to tell me. I'll just go over to him. I'm as good as there already.”

Aziraphale hurries off, away from the angel, further away from Gabriel.

The angel shouts after him a friendly “That's the wrong way!” but Aziraphale doesn't listen.

It doesn't take him long to reach the end of this hall.

What does Aziraphale want to do next? Does he want to be a reasonable angel, turn around, and go directly to Gabriel’s office or does he want to be himself and avoid Gabriel some more? There are also some pictures on the walls. Aziraphale could look at them.

 

[> There’s still the wonderful smell of coffee...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670337)

[> He takes a closer look at the pictures.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670319)

[> Let’s avoid Gabriel a little bit more.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670328)

[> He goes to hell, pardon, to Gabriel.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670355)


	10. Chapter 10

“What are you doing here?”

“My only purpose in life is to be the light to your darkness. Or to give you fire, I suppose,” Crowley answers drily. “I was in Hell today.”

“Quite literally, this time.”

Crowley grunts in reply and leans over to Aziraphale who lights his cigarette off of Crowley's. It's nothing they haven't done before, and yet, this feels so intimate. Like two lovers sharing a secret. Like humanity receiving fire from Prometheus. Like…

Like an angel and a demon who have feelings for each other that they can't, or don't want to, admit yet.

“Come home with me,” Crowley proposes and smiles. “I bet being in Heaven today was hell for you. You look quite exhausted. And I've recently acquired some new wine. It's supposed to be a good one.”

“Sure. Is it a dry one?”

Crowley shakes his head. “No, of course not. It's a liquid.”

“Oh my dear boy…” Aziraphale can only shake his head. He really likes Crowley, but sometimes…

… sometimes he doubts that the demon knows anything about wine.

 _He should have realized by now that I have no idea about wine_ , Crowley thinks. They've been regularly drinking together for almost a thousand years now, after all.

“Just kidding, just kidding,” Crowley laughs. “But really, it's a sweet one.”

“What wine?” Aziraphale says and narrows his eyes. He still doesn't trust Crowley in his choice.

“I'm not telling. It's a surprise.”

“I don't like surprises.”

“You will like this one.” Crowley takes a deep drag off his own, already half-finished cigarette. “Tell me about your day while we're here.”

“Can't we just go to the car and drive to yours, already?”

“Sorry, no can do. The Bentley is a no smoking car.”

“Why?”

“The last time I smoked in it, I was only able to hear anti-smoking ads for the next few months. They didn't even have those ads in 1926.” Sometimes Crowley was sure that this car had a mind of its own. Not everything about the car could be traced back to Crowley's demonic influence. Or maybe, maybe Aziraphale had already left his own influence on it. That wouldn't explain the smoking ads, though. Aziraphale didn't care if Crowley smoked or not, as long as he did it in the designated areas.

“Oh.” Crowley's car is a mystery to Aziraphale. He always assumed that it was Crowley and his unconscious doing that made all the tapes in his car turn into _Best of Queen_ albums. But from what Crowley said, that doesn't sound like the case. Does Crowley even like Queen?

Aziraphale would get the answer to this question another day.

“Well, at least now I know why your car is a non-smoking area. I'm still unsure about Heaven's reason.” Aziraphale frowns and looks up at the building as if an envelope with the answer would fall out of a window any moment.

Crowley's eyes follow Aziraphale's. “Beats me. Same for Hell. You'd think my people would encourage it, but no. No smoking inside.”

“Maybe Heaven and Hell aren't so different after all,” Aziraphale muses.

“They're both shit,” Crowley say and throws his cigarette butt on the ground. “Let's go, Aziraphale. Let's get some takeout food. You can pay.”

“Only if I get to decide the restaurant,” Aziraphale says and puts his cigarette butt into the appropriate garbage can.

“Sure, sure. You decide, you treat.”

Even though they aren't holding hands, an angel and a demon walk towards a car and feel a deep connection. Is it their shared desire for food or wine? Is it the connection formed upon sharing a cigarette break together? Is it the connection from lightning one cigarette directly off another? Or is it something completely different? Maybe it's a connection that was only able to form by spending almost 6000 years together on Earth.

Neither one of them mentions this feeling to the other, but they both feel it, and on the inside, for the rest of the day, they are happy.

> [Go back to the beginning.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42666887)


	11. Chapter 11

It's 11 o'clock? No need to get up, yet, Crowley thinks and falls back asleep, trying to get back into his dream and to this Aziraphale who, for once, doesn't steal his food. He wakes up only 13 minutes later, after having dreamed of Dagon and Belial doing horrible things to him for not keeping his appointment.

 

[> Okay, Crowley's stomach is complaining, it's breakfast time!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42762599)


	12. Chapter 12

Aziraphale would love to ignore the figure but he realizes that he has forgotten his lighter. He can't use a miracle right now, or else Gabriel will realize that Aziraphale is gone and will know exactly where to find him.

 

[> Fine! Approach the bloody figure!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670427)


	13. Chapter 13

As soon as the person sees Crowley, they change their mind and leave the bookshop again, hurrying off. They remember that they have to work today.

Crowley follows, and closes the door, automatically locked. Twice. It won't let any customers in for the rest of the week after Crowley's angry glare.

 

[> He gets back into his car, puts _Best of Queen_ by Ethel Smyth on, and drives to Hell.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42817136)

[> He gets back into his car, puts _Best of Queen_ by Franz Schubert on, and drives to Hell.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42817136)


	14. Chapter 14

Aziraphale knocks on Gabriel's door and enters without waiting for an answer.

If Aziraphale came here with Raphael, the archangel's shaking his head behind Aziraphale's back before giving Gabriel a reassuring smile. If Aziraphale came here alone, then Raphael is still in the break room and currently laughing about a joke Michael just told him. It's a really bad joke, not worth repeating here, but Raphael still finds it funny. He’s got a bad sense of humour.

“Aziraphale,” Gabriel says, with a hint of warmth in his voice if he just saw Raphael, in a slightly annoyed voice if he didn't. “You finally decided to grace us with your company.”

“Yes, I did,” Aziraphale says and sits down on the chair in front of Gabriel's desk. “I had good to do.”

“Good? Isn't the last miracle you performed something really profane?” He searches through some papers. “Here we have it: This morning, 8:17, London time. ‘Reheat tea water,’ it says here. That's hardly worth a miracle.”

Aziraphale looks embarrassed, but only for a second. This is Gabriel, after all. He can't give in to bloody Gabriel.

“Not every good I do needs a miracle. Sometimes it’s the little things which make a difference.”

Gabriel nods and writes something down. “Keep talking. You know why you’re here.”

“No, I don’t! I have no idea what I’ve done that you’ve summoned me!”

Gabriel raises his brows. “You do. It’s the same reason why I summon you every century.”

Oh.

Oh!

Is it already so late? Did a hundred years already pass again? Aziraphale hasn’t noticed at all. He has to make a report every century or so to Gabriel or else Gabriel will come down to Earth and visit Aziraphale in his bookshop. The last time that happened was around 1730. It had been awful. Aziraphale doesn’t want Gabriel in his own little realm, nor does Gabriel want to come down to Earth just to visit Aziraphale. It’s a bother to both of them.

And yet, reports have to be made.

Deep inside, Aziraphale knows that Gabriel only summons him because he, too, has deadlines to meet, but… no. It’s all Gabriel’s fault.

How does that one saying go? _Kill the messenger._

Gabriel is The Messenger. If Aziraphale only had his sw- No! Bad thought! No killing Gabriel!

“Sure. Report,” Aziraphale says and crosses both arms and legs, trying to look as uninviting and uncooperative as possible. “Earth is still running, I'm keeping the demons at bay. Everything is fine. Can I go now?”

Gabriel sighs and rubs his temples. “You're staying as long as I tell you. This report is not sufficient.”

“I don't know what else to tell you.”

Gabriel stands up. “Walk with me, Aziraphale.”

Without further comment, he leaves his office.

 

[> Aziraphale follows Gabriel like he asked him to.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670373)

[> Aziraphale runs away from Gabriel.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670406)


	15. Chapter 15

PLEASE

do not

LICK

the 

WALLS

 

Who would ever be so brainless down here as to lick the walls? That’s probably some torture in the lowest circle of Hell. Disgusting.

Pressing his back against this wall isn't much better, but, well. Sometimes you have to do things you don't like to survive.

Despite Crowley trying to become one with the wall, Hastur notices Crowley. He notices him and grins widely as he puts his hand against the wall next to Crowley’s head.

His dark eyes glint with wickedness as he leans down.

“Crowleeeey,” he hisses. Spit lands on Crowley’s sunglasses. His breath smells as if something crawled inside his mouth and died there. Two weeks ago. That’s so disgusting.

“Hi, Hastur,” Crowley greets back. You can’t _not_ greet Dukes of Hell, even if you don’t like them.

“What a rare pleasure to see you here. What are you doing here, crawling around?”

“Actually, I’m walking, you know, I haven’t crawled around in a while. I have an appointment with Dagon.”

“Dagon, huh? What does that little bastard want with you? You get in trouble?”

“Nuh-uh. It’s just the normal things, you know. Give an oral report every now and then. And you know what? It was really nice talking to you, Hastur, we should do it again soon. But I got to go now.”

Like a snake ready to attack, Crowley slips out from between Hastur and the wall. Too fast for Hastur to react, Crowley legs it and is already around the next corner.

 

[> ”Oi, I’m talking to you!” Hastur shouts after him, but Crowley ignores him. He has better things to do, like going back to his car and then home.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842258)

[> ”Oi, I’m talking to you!” Hastur shouts after him, but Crowley ignores him. He has better things to do, like going to his direct supervisor.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842135/)


	16. Chapter 16

Aziraphale flees the building and goes outside. London-outside. He takes a deep breath.

Ah! The smell of the city is so much more like home than the smell of Heaven. He makes his way to the smoking area which is right next to the entrance.

Aziraphale will never understand why they're not allowed to smoke inside anymore. They had done so for a long time, but then suddenly everything changed and there was this new rule.

It's totally Gabriel's fault, Aziraphale's sure.

A dark figure is already standing in the smoking are. Aziraphale fiddles in his pockets for his package of cigarettes and he

 

[> approaches the figure.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670427)

[> ignores the figure.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670451)


	17. Chapter 17

Eating his breakfast without butter would be like banana without split!

It's a good decision. Happily, he takes the pizza and brings it into the lounge, flopping down onto his couch.

He waves his pizza towards the TV which starts to play some children's show. It’s mindless and dumb, but entertaining enough for Crowley not to fall asleep again.

With his pizza finished, his mind empty, and his stomach full, he goes into the bathroom. Nothing beats going to Hell and being not only the best dressed person there, but also the best smelling. And the only one who brushed their teeth recently.

If being in Hell wasn't a given for being dead, a demon’s bad breath would kill every person for sure.

One day Crowley will send some mint gums down there. One day…

Just imagine, billions of maggots smelling like mint.

Still disgusting.

 

[> Okay! Crowley is washed and dressed, it's time to go!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42816737)


	18. Chapter 18

Aziraphale decides to leave his little kitchenette alone this morning. It has to make cocoa all through the night, it deserves a break. It's the best and most reliable kitchenette in the whole world, after all. It's even more reliable than the average white cishet human male is unreliable.

Aziraphale puts on his shoes and grabs his coat - in this order - ready to leave his shop. He smiles as he passes books and more books. They're his most prized possessions, he loves them like a hard-working father loves his firstborn son (A father like Thaddeus Dowling, for example, who will be thinking that a certain child called Warlock Dowling is his firstborn son.).

He checks his mail. Letters have already arrived, but it's nothing of importance. Unfortunately, his copy of the _Daily Telegraph_ hasn't arrived yet. Aziraphale purses his lips. He doesn't like that. He had planned to do the crossword while eating his breakfast, now he has to do it when he comes home. He always does it in the morning, it doesn't feel right to him to do it at noon, or even worse, in the evening.

Aziraphale sighs deeply and leaves his bookshop, going towards a cafe nearby. He’s eaten there before. It had opened around ten years ago and Aziraphale had taken a great liking to their breakfast bacon. Their tea isn't that good, they never hit the perfect water temperature, but Aziraphale is able to change the tea to be more to his liking. That's no problem at all.

The cafe's packed, of course, it is, after all, one of the best places in Soho to get breakfast. Yet, there's an empty table in a quiet corner, waiting only for Aziraphale.

He orders his breakfast, and it arrives in no time.

Just as he assumed, the tea is a tiny bit too cold for his liking, the temperature hasn't really taken on the flavour of the leaves, but Aziraphale’s quick to correct that. The bacon smells wonderful, and tastes even better. It’s a pleasure to his taste buds. The perfect combination of juicy and crispy! The tomato! Perfectly baked! The sausages, too, are indescribable. (One has to taste them to see what Aziraphale means.) He doesn’t know what they do to them in the kitchen, but they taste like no other. He thinks they make them themselves, and add some secret ingredients. That has to be the answer. The people here could make a fortune with them! The mushrooms! The last time he has tasted such wonderful mushrooms, he was sitting in the exact same spot, eating another breakfast. But mushrooms before the breakfast in this shop? They are pale in comparison. The baked beans! Perfection! And the buttered toast! Still warm as it’s served, the butter's melting on it like no other butter has ever melted on toast! And finally the fried egg. Opening the yolk, it just wanders over the egg white like this was its whole purpose.

Yummy!

Crowley wouldn't like it, Aziraphale knows as he digs in. Crowley’s more of a French breakfast guy. Aziraphale is too, but unlike the demon he knows and enjoys the pleasures of a full English. Speaking of French food. Unlike the demon, he also knows that it is chocolatine and not pain au chocolat. Unlike the demon he _also_ knows that it’s tea first, milk second, and not the other way round.

After having eaten his full English, Aziraphale pays and leaves the café again. As he walks through the streets of Soho, he sees a lovely little bakery. He pays it a short visit and buys himself a blueberry muffin.

Just as he leaves the bakery, he can hear a nearby bell ring. He takes a look at his pocket watch. It’s already getting late. Aziraphale sighs deeply. He’s late to his appointment. Unfortunately, Gabriel ordered him over to the Building of Heaven and Hell, and he can't escape, not today, not if he doesn't want Gabriel himself to visit his bookshop. No.

 

[> He takes his muffin and goes to the building of Heaven and Hell.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42669311)


	19. Chapter 19

Heaven and Hell are in the same building. After the rebellion, the demons had to move into the basement. Well. It isn’t really a building. It’s a concept of a building. People seem to go in and out like on a usual business day, but they aren’t really people. They are concepts of people. Memories, so to say, of different people all over the world, walking into different buildings. They get projected to this building, so there’s always the semblance of it being a normal, a human building, filled with humans.

Crowley’s the only real Being entering the building right now. He isn’t the only Being in the hall, though. There is the concierge, an ethereal Being, being outside of the concept of Heaven and Hell. The entry for the dead souls is somewhere else. Crowley would never get in through that, or else he’d get automatically get sorted into Heaven or Hell. Hell, probably, but he doesn't even want to think about the masses of paperwork he’d have to fill out to get back into the demon areas.

The concierge is an Italian-looking man today, looking a bit like the Tony from _Lady and the Tramp_ . It wouldn't surprise Crowley if they gave him some spaghetti and started to sing. But they don't. Instead they hide behind their newspaper. It's the ugly pink _Financial Times._ Under different circumstances, Crowley would stop for a little chat like he often does, but Crowley knows that some Beings don't like to be disturbed when they read the newspaper.

 

[> Go down to Hell.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42818021)

[> Talk to them anyways.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42818042)


	20. Chapter 20

The Bentley is parked in its usual spot in front of the house. A small part of his brain knows that it's not good to leave such an old car out in the open for every person to see, for every person to steal, but the bigger part of his brain assumes that no one will try to steal his car. That's why people will only take pictures of the old car in surprisingly good shape, but never try to steal it.

Crowley gets into the Bentley and starts the engine. Maybe he could pay Aziraphale a visit. Engaging with the enemy is always a legit reason not to get to an appointment.

 

[> Crowley smiles and drives to Soho. It's a short ride, so he only puts on the radio. Funny enough, Queen is playing, but only for one song.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42816875)

[> Crowley's expression is as far away from a smile as possible while he does his actual job for once. But at least he's listening to _Best of Queen_ by Tchaikovsky.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42817136)


	21. Chapter 21

At his door, Crowley hesitates. Will he take his Bentley and drive? Or will he, for a change, walk?

 

[> For once he’s going to walk.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42816746)

[> There’s no way he’s not going to use his car.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42816827/)


	22. Chapter 22

There's a really boring seminar going on about the ground rules for going to Earth for young angels. As if anyone could teach anything about Earth to Aziraphale!

Aziraphale stares absentmindedly at the wall and tries to recall the complete plot of _Ulysses_ . He goes over to _Les Miserables_ when he's finished with it, and then on to the _Harry Potter_ books.

The seminar ends just as Ron Weasley shows up with his aunt Muriel, who seems like a respectable lady to Aziraphale, to Bill's and Fleur's wedding.

That seminar took longer than expected.

Heaven is so… forever-lasting.

 

[> Aziraphale flees out of the conference room and leaves Heaven as quickly as possible, going straight home since it's already late.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42762512)


	23. Chapter 23

Dagon starts to monologue, and Crowley listens. Whatever he talks about, it’s very boring and nothing Crowley hasn’t heard before.

He just goes on and on and on, and Crowley dozes off.

It’s a good thing that Crowley’s able to sleep with his eyes open.

It doesn't help him when Dagon throws a pen at his face.

 

[> ”I’m sorry,” Crowley says. “What was the middle part? Can you repeat it again?” Dagon sighs deeply.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842141)

[> "I'm sorry," Crowley says. "You're right, I'll do everything as instructed."](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842186)


	24. Chapter 24

If Hell was in a real building, it would go nine floors underground, one for each Circle of Hell. The elevator only takes you to the first floor, to the reception desk to be exact. Just walking into Hell would be too easy. That's why someone had decided that every demon wanting to go in had to fill out a bunch of papers.

Bese, Hell's doorman, is sitting at his desk, as he does every day, every hour, every minute.

He grins widely when Crowley approaches him.

“Crawlyyyy,” he purrs. “It's so nice to see you here again. It's been a while.”

Crowley shifts uneasily from one leg to another. He forgot that most demons down here are still calling him Crawly, as if this was still his name. “Hi.”

“Hail Satan.”

“So. I need to get inside.”

“Why’s that?”

“That's none of your bloody business.”

“It most certainly is, Crawly. I have to open the door for you.”

“Just give me the paperwork.”

“No need to be snippy," Bese says, opening a drawer only to pull out a pile of papers.

Crowley groans. That's even more paperwork than last time.

 

[> There's no way around it. If he's here, he's going to do his job. And if that means filling out papers, then he's filling out the blessed papers.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42841967)

[> He's not going to fill them out, that's too much work. He's going home.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842258)


	25. Chapter 25

Crowley ignores all other demons and moves on quickly.

He walks through the hall of the under-duke’s offices until he finds the right one. He never remembers the room number, that’s how rare his visits to Hell are. Finally, he sees the right sign. It say in all capital letters: DAGON, and under it, in slightly smaller capitals: LORD OF FLIES. Someone had crossed the word FLIES and had handwritten the word FILES in an almost unreadable handwriting with a light blue glitter gel pen (Hell’s exclusive permanent edition) next to it. Under these words was written MASTER OF MADNESS in bigger letters, yet not bigger than the name itself, and under this was written, again in smaller letters, UNDER-DUKE OF THE SEVENTH TORMENT.

Right office.

Something in Crowley tells him to knock, but he’s a demon. Demons don’t knock. They push open doors and enter without knocking. Except this demon pushes the door, realizes that it doesn’t open, and pulls it instead. THEN he enters.

A pen flies towards Crowley and hits his sunglasses.

“You’re late,” Dagon says, bored.

“Yeah, you know,” Crowley starts,

 

[> ”I’m really sorry about that. It won’t happen again.”](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842141)

[> ”It’s not my fault. I got into some trouble on my way here.”](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842162)

[> "Maybe I'm not late, maybe you're early."](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842180)


	26. Chapter 26

Clean up

after yourself.

Your mother doesn't

work here.

YOU DON'T

HAVE A

MOTHER

 

That's true, Crowley thinks as he passes the sign. They only have a Father who kicked them out. He wouldn't clean up after someone either. He never did. Said Father could also be called a Mother if you squint, but it would be hairsplitting and the result would be the same. No one cleans up a demon’s mess, neither some heavenly parent nor some Lord of Hell. Especially not the later.

Satan probably doesn’t even clean his own room. Not that Crowley knows. He may be the Serpent but he’s still too low-ranking to be allowed in Satan’s private rooms.

Also he doesn’t have any wishes to be there, thank you very much.

By the look of it, no one really cleans their messes up, Crowley thinks, eying something right under the poster that _might’ve_ been alive at one point. It had died some 400 years ago after a miserable life in Hell and laid there since then. One could argue it was alive again, if you’d trust the mold and the maggots. Maybe that aren’t normal maggots but one of Crowley’s fellow demons. Crowley has no intention of finding out.

Confidently, Crowley walks through the halls, straight to Dagon’s office. There’s an easy method to walk with confidence: Imagine being Aziraphale in Heaven and not giving a single damn.

It doesn’t work perfectly for Crowley, but it’s better than nothing. At least he’s walking in the middle of the hall and not pressed against the wall. That would only ruin his leather jacket forever.

As he saunters through Hell, he meets some demons but mostly they ignore him and seem to be busy. Playing confident seems to work!

Crowley comes to a fork. He has to use the right hall, down to the under-duke’s offices. The left path leads him to a tussle of young demons. What will he do next?

 

[> Being confident for once is fine, but it’s time to move on.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842135/)

[> Nah. Use that power you have. Show these demons who’s the boss.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842102)


	27. Chapter 27

Crowley approaches the customer and makes it clear with a few words that the shop is closed today and that he has no business being here as even the door sign says that it's closed. The person leaves the shop with Crowley.

After an angry glance by Crowley - how could she unlock for the customer, there will be consequences, young lady, just wait until he tells Aziraphale about this! - the door locks itself.

 

[> He gets back into his car, puts _Best of Queen_ by Prince on, and drives to Hell.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42817136)

[> He gets back into his car, puts _Best of Queen_ by Camille Saint-Saens on, and drives to Hell.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42817136)


	28. Chapter 28

The pictures are a bunch of illustrations of the Apocalypse, surrounding a huge painting of Michael winning over Satan. Nothing Aziraphale hasn't seen before. If you’ve seen one of them, you’ve seen them all.

It's a constant reminder that the world we’re currently living in isn’t that important to the angels, but that the end fight, and more importantly, the victory, is the most important thing to them. And they don’t doubt that they will win. Why would He make a good side and a bad side if the bad side had a chance of winning? That just doesn’t seem right to them.

It doesn’t seem right to Aziraphale either. They’ve won once, they will win again, he has no doubt.

It’s not a nice picture, Aziraphale thinks. But what do you expect? All the good painters, at least those he knows of, are in Hell.

The faces of the pictured angels are alright, there are lots of emotions, but the proportions of the bodies? They are seriously wrong. The legs are too short, the arms are too long, and the bodies are twisted in ways that are not possible, not even with a lot of adrenalin.

The shadows, Aziraphale thinks, they have no real light source. Some face to the right, some face to the left. Maybe they’re supposed to be dramatic, but it just looks bad.

Michael’s all muscular – like he is – with long, golden hair – he neither has that, nor is it wavy – and with slightly tanned skin – like he doesn’t have, at least not since the last time he got a body, which was around 5000 years ago, and he has never been discorporated even one time since. He’s wearing a stylized Roman uniform and an artfully ornate sword with which he would never ever been able to defeat anyone. It’s for adornment only.

Satan himself, well, he’s pictured as a dragon, or rather something that’s supposed to be a black dragon. It looks like a fat dog without fur.

Who commissioned this work? Why didn’t they choose a better painter? Why didn’t Michael sit for the painter so the artist would at least know at least what his corporeal form looks like?

 

[> Now Aziraphale goes to Gabriel.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670355)

[> Coffee...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670337)

[> Aziraphale strolls around through the offices.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670328)


	29. Chapter 29

CHEER UP!

REMEMBER

\--

The Worst

IS

yet to come.

 

The worst is coming and notices Crowley.

Okay, Hastur is not _the_ worst but he's pretty bad.

Even though he’s pretty bad in general, he’s so good that he notices Crowley. He notices him and grins widely as he puts a hand against Crowley’s chest, only to push him against the next wall.

He puts his other hand next to Crowley’s head.

His dark eyes glint with wickedness as he leans down.

“Crowleeeey,” he hisses. Spit lands on Crowley’s sunglasses. His breath smells as if something crawled inside his mouth and died there. Two weeks ago. That’s so disgusting.

“Hi, Hastur,” Crowley greets back. You can’t _not_ greet Dukes of Hell, even if you don’t like them.

“What a rare pleasure to see you here. What are you doing here, crawling around?”

“Actually, I’m walking, you know, I haven’t crawled around in a while. I have an appointment with Dagon.”

“Dagon, huh? What does that little bastard want with you? You get in trouble?”

“Nuh-uh. It’s just the normal things, you know. Give an oral report every now and then. And you know what? It was really nice talking to you, Hastur, we should do it again soon. But I got to go now.”

Like a snake ready to attack, Crowley slips out from between Hastur and the wall. Too fast for Hastur to react, Crowley legs it and is already around the next corner.

 

[> ”Oi, I’m talking to you!” Hastur shouts after him, but Crowley ignores him. He has better things to do, like going back to his car and then home.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842258)

[> ”Oi, I’m talking to you!” Hastur shouts after him, but Crowley ignores him. He has better things to do, like going to his direct supervisor.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842135/)


	30. Chapter 30

Late in the morning is the best time to get unpleasant things done, at least that's what Crowley thinks. Midday is better. Or afternoon. No, night. No, actually, the best time to do unpleasant things is always tomorrow. But he has to visit Hell _today_ , unfortunately. That's the most unpleasant thing to do. He could go tomorrow but before then Satan himself will probably come over to his flat and kick his ass. In the best case scenario.

Crowley turns onto his other side and takes a long glance at his alarm. It hesitates for a second, but it stays true to its purpose and shows the right time. 10:26.

Crowley groans. Only 10:26. He thought that he’d slept much longer than this.

He didn't get into bed before 3 o'clock. _Goldfinger_ was on the telly late at night. Crowley had taken the pleasure to watch it, wrapped in his three blankets (none of them tartan. He had acquired a tartan blanket once, ages ago, but had given it to Aziraphale. That angel would appreciate it much more than Crowley.), with a package of never-ending fries in his hands (cheese fries, of course. Those are the good stuff.)

Crowley groans and pulls the blanket (thick and fluffy, with satin sheets) over his head.

 

[> Should he get up? ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42762599)

[> Should he stay in bed?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42762557)


	31. Chapter 31

Aziraphale goes over to the escalators. There are four escalators going up to the first floor, two are lit turquoise, they’re the lifts to and from Hell. The two grey-lit escalators are the ones Aziraphale’s going to use today. They go to Heaven.

Every time he sees them, Aziraphale appreciates that they’ve updated to escalators and it’s no longer a staircase to Heaven.

He doesn’t even know if a demon like Crowley would be able to use these escalators or if he would get hurt by even trying it.

Would Aziraphale get hurt if he tried to go down to Hell, too? Or would that automatically mean that he would fall? He doesn’t know, he’s never tried. He isn’t planning on trying it either.

The ride on the lifts is longer than one would think. It’s a _very good_ thing that he doesn’t have to take the stairs anymore.

Heaven is, well, Heaven. There’s a reason it’s called ‘Up There.’ The angels of the Third Sphere are sitting on the third floor, those of the Second Sphere are sitting on the seventh floor, and the angels of the First Sphere are on floor twelve. If this were an actual physical building, at least. Due to the fact that it isn’t, no floor has the physical limitations of Earth, they go on over several dimensions. It's complicated.

Fact is, Aziraphale arrives on the third floor. To make things easy, let’s say that it looks like a common office, just very white, very clean, and very wide. It looks very sterile. If you’d touch anything in it, you’d probably leave an ugly stain somewhere, even if you’re wearing gloves. And don’t even speak of the dirt from your feet! There are several halls going from the room where the escalator arrives. In each hall are several rooms with names attached to the glass doors. In each room sits at least one angel.

What does Aziraphale want to do next? Does he want to be a reasonable angel and go directly to Gabriel’s office or does he want to be himself and avoid Gabriel a while longer?

 

[> He goes directly to Gabriel. Better get it over with.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670355)

[> He goes to the hall farthest away from Gabriel.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42669509)

[> He go not to Gabriel, but to the hall where his own office should be.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670328)

[> Aziraphale smells coffee. He follows his nose.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670337)


	32. Chapter 32

Crowley should really get some new tapes soon...

Regardless of what everyone says, there is no highway to Hell. At least not in the London branch. Hell's in the middle of the city. Yet, Crowley drives like he's on one.

Passengers scream, a baby cries, an old lady almost falls over her little dog, but they should know what they're up against when they're in a city with cars.

Crowley really doesn't want to go to Hell today.

But at least he has his own parking spot!

Crowley takes a deep breath, gets out of the car and

 

[> goes to the building, turns around, gets back into the car just to drive home again.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842258)

[> goes to the building, and stays in the building.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42817208)


	33. Chapter 33

Heaven and Hell are in the same building. After the war, the demons had to move into the basement. Well. It isn’t really a building. It’s a concept of a building. People seem to go in and out like on a usual business day, but they aren’t really people. They are concepts of people. Memories, so to say, of different people all over the world, walking into different buildings. They get projected to this building, so there’s always the semblance of it being a normal, human building, filled with humans.

Aziraphale’s the only Being entering the building right now. He isn’t the only being in the hall, though. There is the doorman. The entry for the dead souls is somewhere else. Aziraphale would never get in through that, or else he’d automatically get sorted into Heaven or Hell. Heaven probably, but he doesn’t want to see Gabriel’s face when he’s told that Aziraphale’s with the dead souls instead of the proper place.

[> He goes and chats with the doorman.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42669326)

[> He goes directly to Heaven.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42669335)


	34. Chapter 34

Aziraphale just stops walking after a while of following the archangel. Gabriel is so into his speech (at the moment it's something about prayers) that he doesn't even notice that Aziraphale isn't following him anymore.

Aziraphale uses this and goes into the next best office.

The two angels inside look up and stare at him with big eyes, but Aziraphale puts a finger to his lips.

They say nothing and continue their work.

Aziraphale waits a few minutes until Gabriel's far away, then he runs for the escalator.

 

[> Aziraphale should now go as far away as possible from Heaven and Gabriel. He can finally go home!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42762512)

[> Before Aziraphale goes home, he could take a smoke break. This will help to calm his nerves and he certainly needs that.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670418)


	35. Chapter 35

Crowley rolls out of bed and lands with a soft plop on one of his five blankets. Apparently he has thrown it off while he was asleep. He has such a big bed, and for what? For tossing so much during sleep that it looks like a battlefield. Only with less blood and dead bodies.

He could just close his eyes, and- no! He can sleep another time!

Crowley tosses one last glance at the warmth of his bed. He can almost hear it calling him, but he doesn't listen and gets up, making his way into the kitchen.

Yawning, he opens his fridge. It's full of food, as always. That's what fridges are for, after all. And yet, when he takes out the butter box, he realizes that it's actually empty. He can't eat his morning bread without butter. That would be like… like… Whatever.

He's going to eat leftovers, he decides. His hand reaches into the fridge and he grabs the

 

[> cold pizza from two days ago. ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42762605)

[> cold Chinese leftovers from yesterday.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42816731)


	36. Chapter 36

Dagon's not impressed by this answer.

Crowley tries something different:

 

[> ”I’m really sorry about that. It won’t happen again.”](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842141)

[> ”It’s not my fault. I got into some trouble on my way here.”](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842162)


	37. Chapter 37

Dagon gives Crowley further instructions. It's easy, actually: do your work, send in reports, if there's any complaints, we'll notice you, see you next time, now get your ass out of here.

Crowley leaves Dagon's office (even though the door doesn't open right away, as always), and flees Hell as fast as possible. It doesn't take him long to leave the building and go outside. London outside. He takes a deep breath.

Ah! The smell of the city feels so much more at home than the stench of Hell.

Crowley makes his way to the car, but he soon realizes that his hands are shaking. He knows the cure: a good old cigarette break. He walks to the smoking area which is right next to the entrance.

He will never understand why they're not allowed to smoke inside anymore. They had done it for a long time, but then suddenly everything changes and there was this new rule.

One day he will understand, he's sure of that. He could just go back in there, tell Dagon that he realized that he still has a question, and... nah.

Instead he takes his cigarettes and his lighter - sleek and made only for him - out of his jacket and lights one.

He takes a deep breath.

Ah. That's way better already.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees a person leaving the Building of Heaven and Hell, coming towards the smoking area.

 

[> Crowley ignores the person.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842219)

[> Crowley turns away from the person.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842219)


	38. Chapter 38

This office

has gone

0 ~~11~~ ~~2~~ days

without anyone

saying "The Road

to Hell is Paved

With Good Intentions"

 

Ah. Comic Sans. A classic. Crowley’s very proud of its invention and the global hate towards it. That’s one of his better modern inventions.

For a fraction of a second, Crowley smiles. Hell has really made some advancements because of him, his reports, and his suggestions. They should give him more than a recommendation now and then, they should have already given him a promotion and his own office.

If he had to be honest, Crowley would admit that he has no interest in a promotion nor an office job. That would be boring. He's a man-shaped Being for action on Earth, not for endless reports.

As he saunters through Hell, he meets some demons but mostly they ignore him and seem to be busy. Snaking around seems to work!

Crowley comes to a fork. He has to use the right hall, down to the under-duke’s offices. The left path leads him to a tussle of young demons.

It's obvious which way he goes, but he soon regrets it after he sees Hastur approaching. Maybe getting into a fight with the young demons doesn't sound like such a bad idea after all.

 

[> Hastur is here and Crowley's out. He turns around and leaves Hell immediately.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842258)

[> Maybe Hastur doesn't see him because he's so into his own thoughts. Crowley continues to snake through the hall.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842054)

[> It's better to play dead when he sees someone stronger. Crowley doesn't fall down onto his back and lets his tongue flap out of his mouth, but he presses himself against the next wall.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842069)


	39. Chapter 39

Aziraphale stays in the bathroom, hidden in a toilet stall for a few minutes before he assumes it’s safe, and then he leaves.

Why does Heaven even have a toilet? Angels don’t need to go to the loo anyways.

Just as he's about to open the door, the door opens itself. Gabriel's broad figure fills the frame.

Aziraphale frowns deeply.

“We normally don't have a toilet here,” he says. “If you wanted to hide, you could have done better. Apparently, you still have a lot to learn. You know what? There's a seminar going on right now. Maybe you should join it.”

 

[>Gabriel grabs Aziraphale's wrist and drags him to a conference room.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670541)


	40. Chapter 40

It's raining and his meeting is on the other side of the Thames. There's no way Crowley is walking. What kind of question is that?

 

[> He grabs his car keys and leaves the house.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42816827/)


	41. Chapter 41

Aziraphale gets closer to the dark figure. Only then does he recognize him.

“Oh. Crowley, my dear. I didn't know you were here today!” Aziraphale says.

“Hm?” The demon turns towards Aziraphale. “What are you doing here?”

 

[> “Not finding a lighter, I suppose.” Aziraphale answers.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42762515)


	42. Chapter 42

Eating his breakfast without butter would be like fish without chips!

It's a good decision. Happily, he takes the noodles and brings them into the lounge, flopping down onto his couch.

He waves his plate towards the TV which starts to play some children's show. It’s mindless and dumb, but entertaining enough to keep Crowley from falling asleep again.

With his noodles finished, his mind empty, and his stomach full, he goes into the bathroom. Nothing beats going to Hell and being not only the best dressed person there, but also the best smelling. And the only one who brushed his teeth recently.

If being in Hell wasn't a giveaway for being dead, a demon’s bad breath would kill every person for sure.

One day Crowley will send some mint gum down there. One day…

Just imagine, billions of maggots smelling like mint.

Still disgusting.

 

[> Okay! Crowley is washed and dressed, it's time to go!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42816737)


	43. Chapter 43

Crowley walks around the corner to engage with the young demons and realizes that he’s completely outnumbered. There are five of them, their old quarrel forgotten, eyes now fixed on Crowley.

Now, a fight between demons is rarely nice and hardly rare. Demons are, by nature, not friends with each other. Selflessness and all-embracing love? That got abandoned for selfishness and all-embracing hate ages ago. And young demons? Oh, they're the worst.

The thing with young demons is that they grow up in this environment. From day one they learn how to fight.

And a demon like Crowley? One who tries his best to avoid danger? Who originally comes from a place of never ending peace? Who tries his best to get most work done with as little effort as possible? Who made an Arrangement with the Enemy?

A demon like Crowley hasn't had a serious fight in over two thousand years.

A demon like Crowley was never been made for battles, even in Heaven he hadn’t been one of the fighters. He had never held a flaming sword.

So, it's only natural to assume that these younger demons have more fighting experience than Crowley. Which they do, in fact, have.

Not even Crowley's new found temporary confidence can help him with that.

So, the natural consequence of all this is that Crowley gets his ass kicked, to use a more informal phrasing. Of course, he also does some damage to the other demons, but in this conflict, actually, in the conflict he disturbed which became a new conflict, it's five against one. The smart option would have been for Crowley to ignore this ongoing fight, turn around, and go to Dagon, but this option was not available this time. This is why this two against three became a five against one.

For a fight among demons, there are strict rules written down. After the Great Nothingness of the Basement had become Hell, those demons who are called Princes, had realized that there was a lot of conflict potential among their subordinates. These conflicts lead to fights among the frustrated Fallen Angels who used every means possible to win a fight and to rise winningly. Everything meant, in this case, unfortunately, that they'd try to go against their enemy's very soul. How many of the demons used their fallen flaming swords against their fellow demons? It cannot be said, only that the number was too high. (Hint: it's a natural number between five and seven.)

This is why _every_ demon got assigned a physical body, and one of the first laws in Hell was made. This law says that a demon in a personal fight might only harm another demon's corporeal body. Long term effects like they'd use one day in the future to punish the souls of dead humans - this event had happened long before the first sinner, Cain, had ended up in Hell - were not allowed. And it was, by all means, forbidden to harm or cripple another demon's soul, or even to kill it. So, if Crowley, for example, would decide to let a certain flask filled with Holy Water appear in his hands and use it against the other demons, and anyone would find out about this, and oh, they would, then Crowley would have to suffer in the deepest pits of Hell (aka. Floor 7) for all eternity. Given that Hell would win the fights of the Apocalypse.

The fight doesn’t end as badly as it could have, but Crowley's shirt - Gucci, all black - is still ruined, and so are his pants. And, to add further insult, his sunglasses are cracked, and he's quite sure that the thing that hurts so much in his face is a bruise starting to bloom like a plant in Crowley's flat.

It's no use going to Dagon like this, that would only make it worse.

 

[> Crowley decides to go home and lick his wounds in peace.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842258)


	44. Chapter 44

The concierge doesn't look up when Crowley walks to them. Crowley didn't expect anything else.

“Hey, Cephas,” Crowley says. “Nice weather today, isn't it?”

“How would I know?” they answer without looking up.

“What, do you spend all day and night here? How did you acquire the paper?”

“Someone brings me it. You should go down. They're expecting you.”

“Ngh.” Fine. If someone doesn't want to hold conversation, then Crowley has to go.

 

[ > He takes the escalator down. ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42818021)


	45. Chapter 45

Crowley leaves the Building of Heaven and Hell in fear. This was not a good visit. It doesn't matter what happened, if he turned around as soon as possible, or if he got into a fight with other demons, he's glad that it's over.

Of course, he won't send a message to Dagon later to inform him about the reasons for his absence. He'll try again in a few days.

Or not.

For now, Crowley goes back to the Bentley and drives as fast as he can to put some distance between him and that cursed building.

Only when he's back on the other side of the Thames, does he calm down.

He takes a deep breath and decides to go and get a professional massage, he has earned it after this day. And then he'll go and buy a new plant, introducing it to its new fellow sufferers before watching the _Golden Girls_ on his T.V..

 

[> Go back to the beginning.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42666887)


	46. Chapter 46

Crowley closes his eyes and drifts back into his kingdom of sleep.

Do angelic creatures dream of winged sheep? No, they don't. This is neither a Monty Python sketch nor a Monty Python animation. This is reality, winged sheep don't exist.

In reality it can't be said what angelic creatures in general dream of. This has to do with the fact that not all angelic creatures sleep. In fact, there is only one demon who regularly engages in this activity. Said demon doesn't dream of sheep, but of food.

He dreams of himself, out in the country, in a beautiful garden behind a little house. He doesn't know what he's doing there, why he is there, but he's sitting at a table in a white summer dress.

 _Weird_ , Crowley thinks. _I don't own a white dress_. But it doesn't matter to him since an angel is standing beside him this moment.

“Are you ready, my dearest?” Aziraphale asks with a warm smile on his face.

“Ready for what?”

“Why, food, of course.”

Crowley doesn't get to answer, a plate is already sitting in front of him.

“I didn't know you were able to cook,” he mentions as he starts to eat. It's half of a grilled avocado, filled with cucumber-tomato-salad, topped by chickpeas, a homemade sesame paste, and mint from Crowley's garden.

“What are you talking about, Anthony, I'm cooking food for us almost every day.”

He does? Crowley’s mind recognizes that this might not be reality, but it sounds nice to him. But his mind has no capacity to think further about this, as Crowley needs all of his concentration for the first course.

As soon as he puts down his fork, the next plate appears before him. He doesn't know how he knows what it is, maybe Aziraphale told him, but Crowley knows. It's a chili-lime-chicken, after a secret receipt one of Aziraphale's special friends had given him shortly before his death. It was an old family receipt, and he didn't want it to die with him, since he was an only child and his family had abandoned him after they had found out after his condition. Aziraphale had collected thousands of recipes like this, and he was thinking about publishing them one day, in memoriam of their lost brothers, all profits going to charity, of course. Despite the bitter history, the chicken tastes sweet and perfect. Aziraphale has paired it with a sweet potato-cauliflower-salad, and some wine. Aziraphale also mentions what kind of wine, but all Crowley cares is that the white wine doesn't leave any stains on Crowley's crop top.

Wasn't he wearing something else before?

Aziraphale sits across him, wearing a ridiculously large straw hat which hides half of his face. Yet, he can see his wide smile.

“I hope you'll enjoy it,” he says.

“Don't worry about that,” Crowley answers and takes a bite. “Everything you've ever made tastes better than the delights from Heaven to me.”

The angel's smile widens. “I'm glad to hear that.”

Crowley doesn't remember eating, yet, his plate is empty, and his stomach is full. It starts to grumble softly.

“I don't think I can eat any more,” he says to Aziraphale as he hands him the next plate.

“What is it?” Crowley asks, thinking about not eating it. His stomach agrees.

“It's yufka, filled with vanilla ice cream, barbecued for a moment, with some honey from your bees on it.”

“I have bees?”

“Of course you have bees.”

“Why would I have bees?” Crowley asks and takes his fork, cutting a piece of his dessert. The ice cream slowly melts out of the yufka bread, like… Crowley's mind is in no condition to find a good comparison.

“It's good,” Crowley says loudly over his complaining stomach.

“I can give you seconds, if you want to.”

“No offense, but I don't think I'm able to eat a second helping.”

“It's alright, my dear,” Aziraphale says, suddenly sitting right next to Crowley, and takes the fork out of Crowley's hand. His other hand opens the buttons of Crowley's vest and shirt, and wanders over his belly like a butterfly dancing from flower to flower, trying its best to soothe the ache and the grumbling. “Here, let me help you. Open your mouth.”

Obediently, Crowley opens his mouth and closes his eyes.

But the yufka never reaches Crowley's mouth.

Confused, Crowley opens his eyes and looks straight at his alarm, the red letters telling him that it's 11:01.

 

[> That dream was… weird. It made Crowley want to dream more.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42762593/)

[> That dream was… weird. It actually made Crowley hungry.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42762599)


	47. Chapter 47

Aziraphale decides to use his little kitchenette this morning. Unfortunately, he remembers just as he's about to boil some water for tea, that he ran out of toast a few days ago.

He sighs and leaves his kettle alone. The water will be the perfect temperature when he comes back, ready to soak some leaves for the angel's morning pleasure.

Aziraphale grabs his coat and puts on his shoes - just not in that order - ready to leave his shop. He smiles as he passes books and more books. They're his most prized possessions, he loves them like a proud father loves his firstborn son (A father like Arthur Young, for example, who will be thinking that a certain child called Adam Young is his firstborn son.).

Aziraphale is a creature of habit. Once he finds a shop or a cafe he likes, he visits it again and again until he is forced to leave a city. When he comes back years later, he is always so surprised to see that his favourite shop is no longer a shop. But, luckily for him, he has a certain curiosity, and is not afraid to try new food from new places.

Today he visits his favourite bakery, one not too far from his bookshop, one he discovered around twenty years ago.

It's a really good bakery. They have _real_ bread, not those white loaves that Americans and other uncultured people call ‘bread’ that’s actually just toast. They have wonderful sourdough, some with pecan and cranberries, some made with whole grain. They have some more modern quinoa sourdough, they have the chocolatiest muffins to ever muffin upon this world. They have cinnamon buns and croissants. They have ready-made sandwiches and pastries. They have scones, and pretzels, and cream puffs, and cakes, and cheese puffs, and so much more.

Aziraphale buys some toast, a chocolate croissant, and a blueberry muffin.

After all, he should eat some fruit from time to time, and blueberry muffins count, don't they?

Happy with his newly acquired goods, he walks back to his bookshop, only to find to his pleasant surprise that his copy of the _Daily Telegraph_ has already arrived (right on time, as it always does).

He settles down in his backroom with some tea (tea first, milk second), his toast and his croissant, and countless pots of jam and marmalade, and his crossword puzzle.

He settles down, but not even in the blink of an eye compared to the last 6000 years, it's already over. His four pieces of toast are eaten and the crossword puzzle almost solved itself. He’s even able to read an article about how to create a butterfly garden and wonders shortly why Crowley doesn’t have a garden out in the countryside yet. But maybe he does and the topic just never came up, so he didn’t tell Aziraphale about it.

It's a hard decision, but Aziraphale forces himself to leave, to close his shop for today (That's not the hard part of the decision) and go to the Building of Heaven and Hell (this is the hard part). Unfortunately, Gabriel ordered him there, and he can't escape, not anymore, not if he doesn't want Gabriel himself to visit his bookshop. No.

[> He takes his muffin and goes to the building of Heaven and Hell.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42669311)


	48. Chapter 48

Aziraphale can finally go home! Oh, that had taken so long, it's already dark outside!

Just at this moment, a taxi stops in front of Aziraphale. The driver could have sworn that he had been on the other side of London a moment ago, and yet he is here now, driving Aziraphale home to Soho.

They stop at Aziraphale's favourite Japanese restaurant to get some take out.

At least the driver gets the biggest tip he has ever gotten in his life, so he doesn't complain. He does wonder for years, though, how he traveled through the whole city within seconds. He never finds an answer, so his brain  finally accepts it as a result of a lack of sleep.

Aziraphale doesn't pay his driver a second thought. Impatiently he drums his fingers on his thighs, and later on his package of Sushi. Sitting in a taxi is nice, but it takes so long to get home. He could already have been home twice over if only Crowley was driving.

He wonders if he should ask his driver to take him to Mayfair instead, but decides against it. Crowley's probably already sleeping in that big bed of his after a successful day full of mischief.

No, Aziraphale is going to call him in the morning, he decides as he pays the driver and fumbles for his keys. For now, he's going to eat his well-earned food and drink a hot cocoa which will make the bookshop feel even more like home.

 

[> Go back to the beginning.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42666887)


	49. Chapter 49

Crowley pulls his pen out of his jacket, and starts to fill out the pile of papers. For what feels like an hour, there's nothing to be heard other than the pen on the paper, and the faint screams of the damned.

He gives the papers back to Bese who looks over them. To Crowley's surprise, he filled out everything right on the first try. Maybe not everything is lost, maybe today will go smoothly.

With a smile, he walks through the final door to enter Hell.

He pushes it open.

It doesn't open.

He pulls.

It doesn't open.

He pushes again.

It opens.

To make things easy, after all, in reality Hell is an abstract place spanning several dimensions and the minds of humans don't have the capacity to process it completely, let's say that it looks like the basement of an old brick house, straight from an outdated horror movie. The walls are brown, wet, and dirty. Nothing would ever bring Crowley to touch them, not even the wrath of Satan himself. If there aren't any brick walls, there are steel pipes, equally wet and disgusting.

And then there are the motivational posters. As soon as Crowley goes through the door, he faces the first one. It says, in mostly capital letters:

 

You

DON'T

MATTER

 

Thank you. Crowley feels much better right away. This is going to be an awesome day!

He's hating it already.

The poster saying

 

WE

HATE

YOU

 

isn't making this any better. He knows that they hate him. He hates them, too. Demons don't like anyone, especially not each other, especially not their bosses who are responsible for the demotivational posters. Hate is the only thing they can feel towards someone.

 

[> Time to pull yourself together, Crowley. You're the Serpent, they should be proud of you. Walk through the halls as if you own them!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842003)

[> It’s better if you try to avoid everyone here. Snake around the halls on your way to Dagon’s office.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842039/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of hell's motivational posters are inspired by those posted by Neil Gaiman on tumblr


	50. Chapter 50

Crowley snaps his fingers and- what? No, what's wrong with you? Crowley's _not_ making a customer disappear in Aziraphale's bookshop. That person probably has a family or people who are going to miss them, and who knows where they're going to end up.

Instead, Crowley makes the person change their mind, remembering an appointment with their dentist.

Crowley shakes his head and closes the door behind him. The sign still says closed, so why did the person enter regardless? What is this, an American supermarket with a suburban mom, five minutes before the market closes?

 

[> He gets back into his car, puts _Best of Queen_ by Jean-Baptiste de Lully on, and drives to Hell.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42817136)

[> He gets back into his car, puts _Best of Queen_ by Elton John on, and drives to Hell.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42817136)


	51. Chapter 51

Crowley goes over to the escalator. There are four escalator going up to the first floor, two are lit in grey, they’re the escalators to and from Heaven. The two turquoise escalators are those Crowley’s going to use today. They go to Hell.

Crowley is going to use them and he isn't using them at the same time. What point would there be if he literally used them? Then he'd be on the first floor and Crowley isn't sure if this building really has a first floor.

No, the escalator to Hell goes _through_ the floor. Whoever thought up this building (Well, there is only one Being who has the power to do such a thing), didn't like a direct, real-looking escalator to the basements. Said Being also didn't like lifts. But Crowley can understand that. Lifts go both ways. It would certainly be possible for the demons just to press the button to Heaven and roam there.

That probably wouldn't work. Crowley had tried it once. There was an invisible barrier before Heaven's escalator. No demon is able to get past.

In the beginning, when the doors to the indoor Garden hadn't been locked yet, they didn't have escalators. They had stairs. They updated only recently.

And now imagine the tiny snake Crowley had been slithering up the stairs.

It had taken him ages since he hadn’t thought of changing into a form with legs. What can he say? He was young and inexperienced.

No demon likes the stairs. Most of them had, after all, first experienced them by falling downstairs. Not Crowley who had walked calmly like a young girl in a beautiful dress walking down the stairs of an old castle to make her entrance during the ball in a modern movie. He only fell at the end, when he was already in in the darkness, when he stumbled over one of his fellow demons.

He’d fallen face-first and landed right on Satan's feet. Maybe because he was the only demon who went to Hell with a little bit of grace, he got the first body they were ever able to make with stolen blueprints from Heaven and was sent back upstairs.

Nowadays there’s no pile of demon bodies at the end of the stairs. Nowadays there’s something worse. There’s a reception desk and Crowley has to formally state his business and fill out some papers. It’s the same as usual, but does Crowley really want to do it?

 

[> No.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42842258)

[> No, but he does it anyway.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42818054)


	52. Chapter 52

Aziraphale's nose brings him to the origin of the coffee smell. It's a small break room.

But as soon as he's there, he instantly regrets this decision.

The archangels Michael and Raphael are sitting there, drinking coffee, and talking.

He wants to back out of the room, but to make it even worse, Michael notices him.

“Aziraphale,” he greets with a nod. Great. His former boss is sitting here. His former boss who still hasn't forgiven him giving his sword away. He's the reason Aziraphale got demoted to a Principality. (Of course, Aziraphale, and his actions, are not the thing that caused that. It's only the fault of someone else.)

“Michael,” he greets back coldly. “Raphael.”

“Oh, Aziraphale! There you are!” Raphael says in his sing-sang-voice. It's so melodic, one could think he was a human singer, if it weren’t for his presence and the aura of perfection that only the archangels have. Disgusting. “Finally. Gabriel is already waiting for you.”

“He is,” Michael agrees. “He expected you hours ago. He complains about five times per hour.”

“Oh, I'm sorry!” Aziraphale snaps. “Unlike others, I was doing good instead of taking a coffee break!” Which is a lie, of course. The reader knows what Aziraphale was doing in the last few hours.

“No need to go all defensive. I was just stating how it is.”

Raphael stands up, putting a hand on Michael’s shoulder to sooth him. “You know what? Before you two start attacking each other and destroy the coffee machine, how about I bring you to Gabriel?”

“I'd rather buy you a new coffee machine,” Aziraphale admits.

“No, you don't want that, believe me,” Raphael says as he gently pushes Aziraphale out of the break room. “It was broken once. You have no idea how hard it is to make a coffee machine that satisfies Michael's taste in the subtle notes. After being in Vienna with Gabriel that one time, he’s really picky, you have no idea.”

“I don't want to have an idea,” Aziraphale says. That would mean that he had to go to Heaven more often.

“Of course, you don't. That means that you'd have to be here, and you don't like that, do you?”

Aziraphale winces. Can Raphael read his mind?

“I can't read your thoughts,” Raphael answers the unspoken question. “I merely know you and the frequency of your visits. Gabriel complains about it often enough. Also, I'm highly empathetic. One of the most empathic angels here.”

“Of course he complains,” Aziraphale grumbles.

“Hush. He only wants the best, both for you and for Heaven.”

“He doesn't know what's best for me!”

“But Aziraphale, shouldn't it be that what’s best for you is what’s best for Heaven?”

“...”

“I thought so.”

Aziraphale knows that Raphael is right. He should be right. But Aziraphale doesn't feel that way. Yet, he's not ready to admit to himself that his priorities have shifted in the last 6000 years. He'll only be ready to admit this in the face of the Apocalypse.

 

[> Aziraphale continues to follow Raphael.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670355)


	53. Chapter 53

The bookshop is dark when Crowley arrives and the door locked.

That's no problem for Crowley, the door fears him almost as much as his plants, and automatically swings open when he approaches.

Yet, the angel is nowhere to be found in his shop. He isn't even in the apartment over the shop.

Crowley sighs deeply and wants to leave the bookstore again, just as he sees a _customer_ entering.

 

[> He could change the customer's mind.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42817061)

[> He could talk to the customer.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42817079/)

[> He could make the customer disappear.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42817103)


	54. Chapter 54

It's a really good muffin which lifts Aziraphale's spirits for just a moment. But as soon as Gabriel side-eyes him, the spirits flee in fear.

Aziraphale should have a long talk with his spirits, that's no proper work morale.

Still, Aziraphale enjoys his muffin and eats it completely under Gabriel's disapproving glance. At least he puts the wrapping paper in the proper garbage can.

 

[> Aziraphale could try to just walk away now and hope that Gabriel doesn't notice.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670406/)

[> Just as Gabriel says something so boring that Aziraphale didn't even listen, they pass the bathroom _again_. Weird. Are they walking in circles? Aziraphale could try and hide inside.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053738/chapters/42670460)


End file.
